okeydokey.. so i just got home from White Oak's homecoming.. its a once every three year event, so its pretty big.. my mom graduated from white oak in... well ill just leave the year out, but a while ago, and my dad and his three brothers did too.. and a lot of my friends parents did as well.. so it is kind of a tradition in white oak, to be from white oak.. if that makes any sense..
one thing that sucks about it being every three years: the last homecoming was the year after i graduated. so, since we were mostly still 18, no one in my class had really grown up, matured, decided what they wanted to be, obtained a spouse or a degree... things like that..
its been six years since then.. plenty of time for me to do all the things a "normal" young 20 year old is expected to do. but i havent done any of them hardly. i have definitely grown up and matured.. im most certainly a different person than i was in high school.. but the other things are still pretty out of my reach right now..
i had been dreading it all day, but in the end, it wasnt that bad. i got to talk to and see a couple of people that i havent seen that i had actually forgotten about.. and see a friend's newborn baby.. and it was really a lot less scary than i was making it out to be in my head... (except, i still cant imagine having a kid, and it scares me seeing people my age with 3 and 4 year olds... eek..)
let me explain.. just about all of my friends that i graduated with (most of which i have completely lost communication with.. except for a couple on myspace...) are married with kids and degrees and "real" jobs.. so i felt a little like a failure because im not married, dont have kids and havent finished school, much less decided what i want to be when i do finally grow up..
and for a few minutes, i was getting the vibe (from one of the people that graduated, went to nursing school, married her high school sweetheart, etc. etc.. [i know.. gag..]).. that she did kinda wonder why i hadnt done all those things yet.. but i think i might have just been looking for a reason to feel like a failure.. or to make the conversation about me.. and what i had accomplished instead of what i hadnt.
i dont know if this makes any sense at all or not.. but ...
anyways.. i have come to realize that its ok. im ok. i dont have to be married, have kids, have a job, or be an "adult" to fit in around here.. my kids will never be friends with my friends kids.. the will be at least five years younger i bet.. i will never be part of their married social circle, because i probably wont marry someone that we are all friends with..
example: shannon (the girl i was talking about earlier) said: "me, jeffrey, chris, robin, (and she goes on to list a gaggle of her married friends) get together alot and hang out.. you should come.."
um, no thanks. i dont want to be the fifth wheel. and i dont want to be set up either, but thanks. im perfectly happy.
i am happy, and it took me feeling sorry for myself and literally almost driving myself insane over this homecoming thing to make me realize that i have accomplished stuff in my life that makes me happy, and if its not the same thing that other people have done, its ok.
and thats a good feeling. | 
